Trust me, you do action FAR better than I do.
Sassy Cerulean Sarai. "So wherry wherry sowwie"
Age 44, Female
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Comments
Great read.
Not bad.
I'm not the type to give out constructive criticism outside my specialty, but I'll try.
As far as I see, the first person visual image was a tad bit off. Perhaps a more vivid description on that take, it was great, but could have easily been better.
The story seemed pretty predictable too, no real twist, just mainstream events that resolved itself. I can't say I was exhilarated or even intrigued at what happens next, perhaps next time you can leave an ambient figure, which would not serve a remote purpose until later on. Sometimes the smaller details make some of the biggest differences in the heat of the plot.
I would like to contribute to this story, I'm going to go back and read the previous chapters, please PM me for any other outside details that rides with the theme that you're going with.
Well this is new. The details are awesome. Great work!
<3 for you for the Isreal thread
hey foo whats up!?
omtish
Why did you leave newgrounds? D:
kdfsjljklgjfg
ACTION SEQUENCE!
Nice work.
Sarai
Yeah, I don't do action as well as prose, so glad it was at least ok.