Savage Night (rework)

2008-04-11 07:03:19 by Sarai
Updated

Savage Night
: A short poem by Sarai (2006)

I wonder how to ever make it through this Savage Night.
The road goes on with dipped-beams playing on cracked asphalt.
Tears are jerked out from me on every pothole that jars body against metal.
A daisy-petal game in my mind, "She loves me, She loves me not".
Other drivers see tinted Mercedes, going fast, northward-bound.

Bound, ankles and wrists, also, metal devices crush skin and bruise flesh.
I see on my mind-fantasy cinema, my parents, past lived but now no future,
Savage night future though is here-present, and a likely intimate final lover.
Started by betrayal, my own. Folly against heart-sister once loved but now Hollow.

Hollowed out eyes, I wish to weep but blood-tears are just injury, not sweet.
I laugh at this, laughter in the trunk and no one hears but still it is special, holy.
We made our vows not be apart. Friends together and more, always forever,
Taking class and taking the world hand in hand, but then we met Him.

Chao you wanted him, so did I. Tsunami change to us and we didn't share this secret.
Depths of another desire coursed in us and gave passion to our love, but rather,
aimed at another. Another lover. A rude lust from childish women and it broke us.
Chao, driving, driving. But soon, decide a future, because your Sarai sobs blood.

Blood on white sheets when I betrayed you Chao, I'd shared more with another.
I lie here in your car Chao wondering if it was worth it, worth this.
Times ago we drove together, to beaches with sandy shores, lovers' life.
My ears hear surf now, pounding. Cove where we had made our love on warm sand.

I have time to think back as I hear a shovel digging in the saline sand.
Three months have passed since blood betrayed our sister-and-more bond.
I moved out with him and you took it badly with ripples of anger on beautiful face.
I knew my wrong and hurt such caused but wanted it better than I deserved.

Deserving I suppose I became when used and discarded by Him, a bedded trophy.
You found out and hid your true reaction deep in renewed friendship-smiles.
You gave to me again but wound ran deep. Till this night though, I didn't suspect.
We watched a film and I fell asleep on your lap, you murmured my future into my hair;
and threw the pill bottle away.

Away from it all now. Hollowed eyes don't see trunk open when sea-breath intrudes.
Gloved hands grasp me, yours, I know you don't have enough strength to lift me out,
So you drag me, my leg tears on catch, involuntary scream extracted from tired shell.
Then, finally the senses fade painfully, as shovel strikes down; more than once.
Rolled to sandy tomb-rest, then sand ontop, my last intimate lover.

: Credit for the amazing sketch to MindChamber, it fits very well with this poem I wrote.

Savage Night (rework)


Comments

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LokiLoki

2008-04-11 07:06:59

Yep, Mindchamber owns.

So do you :3

Sarai responds:

Thank you kindly dear, any comments or criticism would be most welcome :)


OddlerOddler

2008-04-11 07:34:25

I don't want to be that stereo-typical online guy thats hits on you...but I think I will be.

Sarai responds:

No thanks!


MindChamberMindChamber

2008-04-11 09:24:21

which such an inspirational poem such as that one to drive me, I'll definitely be finishing this picture now ^_^

great work Sarai

Sarai responds:

Thank you kindly as well :) I actually changed it a lot since you last read it, so do have a read again sometime :D


LeeJaySanLeeJaySan

2008-04-11 19:46:45

Pretty neat!

Sarai responds:

Thanks, hey... I posted a MP3 clip in a thread on Newgrounds, hehe. I found it hilarious.


Lost-WisdomLost-Wisdom

2008-04-11 22:48:47

For a rough draft, it looks very detailed in the end. Nice work!


PeacekidPeacekid

2008-04-12 00:12:36

It sounds more like a rhythmic autobiography or something like that, but I'm more interested in the sketch for obvious reasons.

Also, IF YOU'RE GONNA TAKE SIDES IN THIS WAR WITH THE HIPPY WITH THE CREEPY HAIR IT BETTER BE MINE


LorkasLorkas

2008-04-12 05:49:04

Right a book, sis!

Sarai responds:

'Writing now' :)


Neon-CrepthNeon-Crepth

2008-04-12 10:41:21

pretty good drawings here. do you do them yourself?

love some of your songs btw.

Sarai responds:

I'm afraid Mindchamber did it as I said above :)


AngelinFlamesAngelinFlames

2008-04-12 15:07:35

Is that you in the banner? XD


ThePigeonMasterThePigeonMaster

2008-04-12 21:39:05

Your poem was cool! And that's strange because I don't usually like to read poems :s

By the way... Do you think my username is nice? :)


Sistine1408Sistine1408

2008-04-13 12:51:40

I couldn't finish this.

It is, at best, nonsensical.

Who the hell is this Chao person? What kind of name is that? No, I shouldn't ask, because to be totally honest, I don't care. You haven't done a damned thing to make me WANT to finish this, you just shoved me into the action. The odd order in whih most of your sentences are structured doesn't much help, either.

Please, make your voice understood before you make it known.

Sarai responds:

Your whole comments imply your lack of English ability, cultural understanding and so forth. Chao is a Chinese name, nice going on coming across as a racist, or at least ignorant.

If you read a lot of poetry you'd note that poetry is comprised of things like rhythem and construct. Every stanza can be written a different way and the order of words can be used to direct someones' mind as they read it.

I will review the order above and see if there are any unwieldy sentences I can restructure, that might be your only valid contribution ;-)


LazyPintLazyPint

2008-04-13 18:11:39

Hmmm, I get the whole story, I think, and the language is nice, but it's also a little confusing too.

OK, read it again. It's not Chao that's going to kill her, but a friend. Missed that the first time, but it's pretty obvious... chalk it up to the time of night.

I say this about a lot of poems, but I think you could make a neat short story out of this, a drifting flow of consciousness incorporating flash backs. It might work better like that.

I know my help is pretty useless and for that I apologize, but poetry has never really hooked me.


EmiEmi

2008-04-13 19:23:51

Mindchamber said it right. A truly inspirational poem. All that time spent typing well was well worth it.

Keep up the good work.


TheYoungbloodTheYoungblood

2008-04-14 03:04:30

Nice poem. Pretty rhythmic.


OddlerOddler

2008-04-14 10:20:08

I went to an art college...and the instructors would get pissed everytime I drew like that.


SolfaenSolfaen

2008-04-17 18:48:02

All in all a bit angsty.. But is really well-written. :) I truly enjoyed reading this, painted a breath-taking vision on my mind. I'd love to see more in the future. :)


knuxrougeknuxrouge

2008-04-19 18:39:48

Damn.
Thats deep.
I don't have a good eye for poetry, but thats something to put in a book.
Such a sad story of misery, betrayal, memory and more misery, really makes you want to put it in a book somewhere.

The selection of words were pristine for the mood, putting a vague, but soul-deep image into the situation, its the kind of poem, you'd have to read again, as the individual parts coincide with each other at a later or earlier point.
Acceptance is a cruel skill when harbingers of death come your way.
Nice work.
A rough sketch inspired all this...
You're deep, girl.
No pun intended.


greyshadowskyknightgreyshadowskyknight

2008-04-25 13:55:19

deep..that was just deep kinda got lost there.
nice job i like the poem.


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